Spilling the “Infertility” Beans

Infertile.

A word that could be described as off-limits, or even taboo in a conversation. A word that for some hurts to say out loud, or even to type. A word that can change every plan that you had made for yourself and your future. A word that I never thought I would have to use when talking about myself.

I guess I always knew that something wasn’t right. Back when I was in my late teens and early 20’s I had a lot of abnormalities in the ol’ “reproductive” department. For example, Aunt Flow would be invited over every month, and sometimes she just wouldn’t show up. Like, I’m talking for a year at a time (SO rude Aunt F, where are your manners??). Aside from said impolite extended family, I always just had a feeling that something was off. After several Doctor appointments and copious amounts of tests, I was finally and (unfortunately) diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Disease (PCOS). At that time it didn’t mean much to me. SWEET, no periods. I was young, I was single. I wasn’t looking for a hubby, and I sure as heck wasn’t trying for a baby. BUT, Fast forward five years or so and those feelings completely shifted.

So I guess this is where the “bean spilling” comes in. Aside from a very select few, not many people know the struggles that have already happened, and the many that are left to come. In 2012 I met Mike. Mike changed my whole life. He taught me how to love and trust again. That there are people in the world worth sharing your life with. That I am too hard on myself and I’m beautiful, even in the morning when it looks like my hair was styled by a troll. He has shown me what its like to be unconditionally loved and supported. And so one day in 2014 we discussed my health issues, knowing that it could take some time to get pregnant. I met with my Doctor and we got the OK to start trying.

6 months went by, and I got nothing but negative pregnancy tests.

another 6 months go by, with hundreds of negative ovulation and pregnancy tests.

Infertility is defined as a couple trying to become pregnant for one year without success. And just like that I was diagnosed with infertility. I feel like when we are younger we all think that having a family is a given. We all get to have one, it’s the circle of life. Well the heart breaking reality kicked in full effect that day. We tried for another year, with 7 failed rounds of Clomid and Femera (Both Ovulation inducing medications). I decided after the second year it was time for a break. It was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I felt like a failure. I became depressed and negativity consumed me. Mike, on the other hand, never complained. He has never made me even ONE time feel badly about this dream we created that may never come true. He has been nothing but UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT.

Our wedding is planned for June 30th, of 2018. After this wonderful celebration we  plan to try for our baby again, and we will succeed. We WILL make a family, one way or another.

SO. I am here writing today, in hopes of women, men, families, who are going through similar situations to travel this journey with me. So we can provide mutual support, and a virtual shoulder to lean on. So we can know that we are not alone, and that Infertility is something that needs to be discussed and understood.

Cyster Love,

Heather

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