I haven’t been on my blog much lately.
To be honest, I haven’t been on it at all, actually.
I’ve been in this stress-ridden rut lately, where everything I do seems to take too much energy. I don’t know if it’s the end of the cold, dark season catching up to me, or the fact that I feel like there is too much on my plate and not enough hours to fulfill the tasks.
The truth is, I created this blog to educate people. To be available to answer questions. To be a strong role model, and show all the women out there struggling like I am, that we CAN DO IT, and that you are never alone. With my goal of finding the positive side to as much as possible, it seems a little ironic to be writing when I’m not being positive at all. It would be dishonest of me. But then I really thought about it. In real life, you can’t feel positive all the time. In real life, sometimes you feel down, defeated, and straight up stressed out. So why should I pretend that I am not feeling that way, for the sake of my blog? NOT sharing these times with my readers would be more dishonest than to pretend that it doesn’t happen. I should be pointing out that it’s normal to sometimes feel defeated. Because again, we are never alone, and there is always someone there who “gets” you.
So I am writing today to honestly say HOLY SHIT. I am stressed out.
School is killing me. I don’t like literature, and never have. Being forced to read something I hate is the last thing I feel like doing. And then forcing me to write about said horrible literature is a whole new issue. After writing 5 page essays the last thing I feel like doing is typing up a blog. Or reading a book for pleasure, which I normally love to do.
My house is rebelling. We thought we were done with leaks when we had all the copper pipes replaced that connected to the hot water heater. WRONG. Our water is so acidic that it is LITERALLY eating through all of our pipes. How did the old owners get our water test to pass just three short years ago? With that question aside, the next question of “how the eff am I going to come up with the money to pay for this” pops in to our heads. 7 thousand dollars for the water softener and another GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT to replace every pipe in our house… no big deal!
Except it is.
With a wedding just 3.5 months away, I’m not really sure where we would get that extra money from. But what can we do? Not gloat on it, that’s for sure. Our finances had taken quite the hit when Mike switched jobs. Even though we knew he would take a huge pay cut, we both also knew the change would all be worth it within a couple of years. I sure hope we were right.
Speaking of finances, my insurance SUCKS. I recently went in for a simple, 20 minute appointment with my Primary Care Doctor. One side effect of PCOS and insulin resistance is that skin tags may or may not make an unwanted appearance. I had several around my neck, chest, and underarms, and I wanted them gone not only because they are driving me nuts-o, but because I want to look the best I can on my wedding day. I knew they would only be partially covered because it was considered cosmetic, but what I got for a bill was completely unexpected. After insurance, I still owe $1100.00!!! HOW can I be paying for insurance every week and still paying out of my a$$ for every appointment??? When it rains, it pours, I suppose!
Work stuff. I’m not even going to get into it, but work stuff.
Have I ever talked about my fear of the dentist?? Probably not, because the mere thought of walking into that god forsaken place is enough to make me vomit.I’d probably rather have an annual physical every week for an entire year instead of having one dental cleaning. #thestruggleisreal. I finally built up the guts to go in for a cleaning. As I expected, no good news was to come. I am now scheduled for two deep cleanings, one filling, and sealant on all of my molars. Turns out I have bone loss on my upper and lower front teeth. There is potential of losing them in the future. THAT’S HOT. (better lock Mike down ASAP before he has a chance to leave) I mean, toothless from “How To Train A Dragon” is adorable, right? Also, I made the mistake of looking into said “deep cleaning”. They literally clean under your gums and in between your roots. Just kill me now. 🤷🏻♀️
Also, can we just talk about Bachelor parties for a second?? Some women out there couldn’t care any less about whether their soon-to-be husband is up at the strip joint getting naked boobies and other goodies all up on them. Props to you! I, however, am NOT one of those women. I think it’s disgusting and disrespectful. And although I have talked to Mike and been told I have no reason to worry because it’s not gonna’ happen, I WILL worry until it’s done and over with. Because that’s how I roll. For some reason a feeling of guilt falls upon me every time I think about it, because I know Mike is wonderful and there is nothing to worry about. But at the end of the day, I feel how I feel and there is no reason to be ashamed of it.
My wedding is 113 days away. Guess what guys? Even THAT is stressing me out. I have loved every second of planning. I just feel lately that everything that is bothering me is over powering the joy that I have for preparing. I’ve also been noticing lately that I have been worrying too much about what other people are going to think about my laid back, low-key wedding. Mikes response is always perfect and exactly what I need to hear to calm myself down. “It’s not their wedding, it’s ours. If they don’t like it, they can leave”.
Speaking of the big day… Instead of losing weight for my wedding, honeymoon, and round two of TTC, I am actually gaining weight. The scale hasn’t gone up more than a pound or two, but I can feel my pants getting tighter. I have no desire to work out, or to pass up a second slice of pizza. My motivation is just crap lately. This is part of why I haven’t been writing. I advocate for women with PCOS, and if I am not following my own healthy habits, how can I preach about them to other women? But then I just realized, this is real life. We have ups, we have downs. We are only human, and we will NEVER be perfect. And by me sharing this, I hope you understand how OKAY it is to fall off the wagon. As long as you eventually get back up, and keep fighting on.
One thing I need to really work on is how to stop stressing over things I have no control over. The horrible, gut wrenching feeling that comes along with stress for me CANNOT be a healthy side effect. It makes me break out, I am constantly flush in the face (which I am sure is from high blood pressure), and it affects my relationships because I can certainly have an attitude when I am feeling the pressure. I just need to be grateful, and really think about how my problems are not problems at all. Because this too shall pass.
Take one day at a time. That’s all we can do.
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